top of page
  • Extremely American

The Babylon Bee's Predictions for 2023

The Babylon Bee's Predictions for 2023

Brought to you by: Tuttle Twins

It's that time of year again - when the mystic oracles at The Babylon Bee tell you what will happen in the next year with 100% accuracy! Will 2023 be better than this year? You decide!

January 1 - Millions set out to read their entire Bible

January 4 - Dozens still reading their entire Bible

January 6 - AOC dies again of PTSD after recounting her death on January 6

February 13 - Kamala Harris reports that Biden had an unfortunate accident coming down the stairs

February 16 - Kamala caught laughing while at Biden's funeral

February 19 - Kamala Harris sworn in

February 20 - Weed criminalized heavily in all 50 states

March 3 - Whoopi Goldberg says something racist

March 13 - AOC says something stupid

March 23 - John Fetterman finally finishes taking his oath of office

April 4 - The war in Ukraine ends

April 5 - The war in Taiwan begins

April 12 - SBF says that another $50 million of people's money has gone missing

May 1 - Obama releases a new memoir

May 12 - No one shows up to work across America. Also, all Nintendo Switches are sold out for some reason

May 19 - Webster changes the definition of gender

May 22 - Bob Iger bends the knee and swears fealty to Ron DeSantis

May 25 - Public schools announce they will now allow Tuttle Twins books in school libraries

May 26 - Tuttle Twins books pulled from libraries after students start questioning teachers' bias

June 4 - Kanye says he's not crazy anymore

June 5 - Kanye joins the KKK

July 4 - Zelensky named president of the United States

August 8 - Dr. Fauci comes out of retirement after new COVID strain leaks from a lab

August 12 - Alex Jones sued for another $400 trillion billion

September 15 - Obama releases a new memoir

September 20 - Elon releases part 3,285 of the Twitter files

October 27 - Elon Musk buys The View, promptly cancels the show forever

October 29 - Post Office releases Jan 6 commemorative stamp

November 9 - Pizzagate conspiracy confirmed true

November 23 - Brian Stelter retires to Idaho to be with his kind

November 25 - Elon Musk announces gas-powered Tesla to save us all from the coming ice age

December 5 - Disney announces Phase 5 of the Marvel Universe will be Brie Larson giving a series of 2-hour TED talks on misogyny.

December 10 - A late-night host says something funny (hey, we can dream right?)

December 31 - The last remaining person still reading through their Bible finally finishes it.


bottom of page