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The Babylon Bee's Predictions for 2023

The Babylon Bee's Predictions for 2023


Brought to you by: Tuttle Twins


It's that time of year again - when the mystic oracles at The Babylon Bee tell you what will happen in the next year with 100% accuracy! Will 2023 be better than this year? You decide!


January 1 - Millions set out to read their entire Bible


January 4 - Dozens still reading their entire Bible


January 6 - AOC dies again of PTSD after recounting her death on January 6


February 13 - Kamala Harris reports that Biden had an unfortunate accident coming down the stairs


February 16 - Kamala caught laughing while at Biden's funeral


February 19 - Kamala Harris sworn in


February 20 - Weed criminalized heavily in all 50 states


March 3 - Whoopi Goldberg says something racist


March 13 - AOC says something stupid


March 23 - John Fetterman finally finishes taking his oath of office


April 4 - The war in Ukraine ends


April 5 - The war in Taiwan begins


April 12 - SBF says that another $50 million of people's money has gone missing


May 1 - Obama releases a new memoir


May 12 - No one shows up to work across America. Also, all Nintendo Switches are sold out for some reason


May 19 - Webster changes the definition of gender


May 22 - Bob Iger bends the knee and swears fealty to Ron DeSantis


May 25 - Public schools announce they will now allow Tuttle Twins books in school libraries


May 26 - Tuttle Twins books pulled from libraries after students start questioning teachers' bias


June 4 - Kanye says he's not crazy anymore


June 5 - Kanye joins the KKK


July 4 - Zelensky named president of the United States


August 8 - Dr. Fauci comes out of retirement after new COVID strain leaks from a lab


August 12 - Alex Jones sued for another $400 trillion billion


September 15 - Obama releases a new memoir


September 20 - Elon releases part 3,285 of the Twitter files


October 27 - Elon Musk buys The View, promptly cancels the show forever


October 29 - Post Office releases Jan 6 commemorative stamp


November 9 - Pizzagate conspiracy confirmed true


November 23 - Brian Stelter retires to Idaho to be with his kind


November 25 - Elon Musk announces gas-powered Tesla to save us all from the coming ice age


December 5 - Disney announces Phase 5 of the Marvel Universe will be Brie Larson giving a series of 2-hour TED talks on misogyny.


December 10 - A late-night host says something funny (hey, we can dream right?)


December 31 - The last remaining person still reading through their Bible finally finishes it.



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